Time to Begin Again

Well—it’s 2025 now. 

Crazy how the years fly by…I started this blog with 8 posts in 2023, and last year, I only posted a whopping three times. I’m going to try to do more than ever this year (definitely more than last year)!

But what to say…?

Well I suppose I can talk about mental health and spiritual health and how they are connected. Most of you who might read this probably know how I have been dealing with bipolar disorder for the last 13 years. I had a lot of problems from 2012 when it began to 2014 while I was in college. Then I was doing great overall for about 6 years. When 2020 came, and the pandemic hit, and I had a ton of crazy stuff going on in my life, and I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, I went off the deep end and ended up in the hospital again. So I went through my pregnancy very depressed and then had 2 more episodes eliciting a hospital stay after I gave birth in 2021. 

Since then, I have been doing great—overall. In the fall of 2023 though, some depression started creeping up on me again. I didn’t notice at first because it wasn’t nearly as obvious as what I experienced in 20-21. But I realized it wasn’t good and it was bad enough (though intermittent), that I finally decided to increase my medication last fall. I have had a few brief pitfalls, but in the last 5 months since the adjustment, I am feeling much, much better. I attribute some of that to the fantastic combination of the right medication and therapy.

I contribute the rest to my personal commitment to take care of my mental health so I don’t end up in a devastating tailspin like some in my past—but mostly to God for keeping me sane through it all (and for being with me throughout my  life even when I’ve not been sane). 

God is my rock. He is the Truth, the whole Truth, and nothing but the Truth. God is amazing, and He is a God of miracles which He has proven to me time and time again, with my mom’s liver transplant last fall being a prime example. 

But God is also my friend, my advisor, my wisest counsel, and my compass. He is great at His jobs in my life and in those of everyone who loves Him. 

He is even better at His jobs when I allow Him to be—when I talk to Him, take His advice, seek His counsel, and follow His direction and His leading in my life. 

What good is a friend that you never talk to? Or an advisor that you don’t listen to? A counselor that you don’t seek help from? Or a map that you don’t follow? 

I think part of why I started sinking in 2023 was because I was losing track of my friend - my Best Friend. And I was setting aside the most important Person in my life for—well, for myself. And my own selfishness. 

Once I pulled my head out of the sand and started living again, feeling, and praying and trusting God last summer—things got better. My problems weren’t solved instantly and I wasn’t automatically seeing answers and solutions. Slowly but surely though, I have felt His healing and I have seen my life change for the better—sometimes in minute ways, but I have seen it. And sometimes in big ways. I was praying more than I ever have last fall. I was praying for a miracle, and I got it! My mom got a liver and she is feeling better than ever! I also got my own dose of reality when I found out I have a fatty liver and I need to start focusing more on diet and exercise so I can salvage my own physical health. I’m working on it, but I’m not there yet. 

But my mental health is probably better than it’s been in a very long time. I’m at a job that’s probably been the best one I’ve had yet, and I have a therapist who has probably helped me more than any have before. And just this year (2025), I started reading my Bible again. And that feels good. And I know it’s setting the tone for me to be prepared for whatever is to come in 2025. 

So I’m just saying but—medication isn’t a replacement for therapy if you need it, and therapy isn’t a replacement for God’s Word and prayer. God’s Word and prayer aren’t a replacement for having a personal relationship with Jesus. Being alone isn’t good all the time but being with people or friends all the time isn’t good either. Nothing is just either-or. Most everything is but-and. 

I don’t think everyone needs therapy and medication, but I do think everyone needs Jesus, and I know we will all live happier and healthier lives if we put our relationships with God before anything and everything else. 

The end. 

Non Compos Mentis

 “You don’t know what you don’t know until it’s too late.”

My love for you is not compos mentis.

If it were, there might be a chance for us.

I wish I could try to make it work for us.

I want you to know I really meant this.

Most of the time I’m a normal girl.

But around you my mind starts to swirl.

Why do I keep ending up sick?

Is it because my relationship is a sinking ship?

Or is it because I want to fix this?

Is it him?

Or is it you?

What is causing my mind such distress?

I’m going have to guess.

It may be a mix

or it may be my brain chemistry.

Either way, my only choice left is to move on.

I’m glad you’re already so far gone.

I wish I could have spared you 

from this nightmare.

I swear.

You deserve someone’s full attention 

I pretty much deserve detention.

Sounds like a joke right?

I guess I’ve seen the light.

Live in the gray

Come what may.

“If you choose not to decide,

you still have made a choice.”

The End of Something

So, back in April, something almost ended and something new almost started. But I ended the thing that could have started before it did and started the thing that might’ve ended back up again. Tell me if you can make sense of that!

All I know now is how I feel which even though I’m feeling okay the last two days and I’ve been spending time with friends—at night I just feel lonely. And I just wish I could talk to my best friend again. Shout out to you Gravity—let me know if you saw this. I suppose you never will.

The thing is. I love my best friend—so much, with all of my soul. We were very close for several years, then drifted for about a decade, and last year we picked up right where we left off. And then it ended because it had to. It was best for everyone. 

But now I just miss my best friend and I wish we could talk again. I’m sitting here right now thinking about what a great time this would be to talk to my best friend. This is the only best friend I’ve had in a long time, one of the longest running friendships I’ve had (if you include our 10 year gap lol).

I’ve never loved anyone more than I love this person. Unfortunately, our friendship is just not in the cards anymore. Life is funny that way. Sometimes the things we want the most are the worst things for us. I hate that.

So what do I do? I could try to cry, but I don’t know if I have any tears to cry though they’re in my heart. 

I could try to forget—but I know I’ll never forget.

I could try to move on—make better friends and get to know new people. Find someone I love and trust even more. But that’s unlikely.

Or I can talk to my best friend—but I know that would end badly. 

So that leaves me with writing this blog post to get it off my chest, and trusting God with the outcome—trusting God with my future. 

I love and hate that because I love trusting God, but I hate that the product of that trust is that I’m letting go of control. I always wish I could decide the outcome of every situation. One thing I know is that God knows better, and I have to trust Him with my life since He’s the One who gave me life. 

Life is sad, and life is beautiful—all at the same time. I think I feel the ups and downs of life a little more than most due to my condition. But the fact is, we all have them and we all feel them. The best we can do is make the best of them the best way we know how. 

That being said, I’m going to pray a prayer tonight that I mean with all my heart.

Take me Lord and do what You will in my life. I know You love me, and I don’t know where You’re taking me but I trust You. I love You and I only want what You want for me. Help me to want that too. And help me feel Your presence with me all the time, especially in the dark times. In the quiet, in the still, in the waiting, and in my pain, be the light I need. Be my hope, my only hope and show me how to love You and how to love others better than I love myself. I need You God. You are my ever-present help in time of need. I’m trusting You with my heart and my future. The heart wants what the heart wants, but I want You more than I want my way. Thank you Lord for loving me better than I deserve. 

A Little Something

 “Hey.” Such a simple phrase, yet it can mean so much depending on who says it and the conversation that ensues. Sometimes someone says “hey” and we don’t take time to respond because we’re busy. Sometimes we say “hey” to someone else hoping to get some attention or to elicit a specific conversation. Sometimes we’re just bored. And sometimes when someone says “hey” to us or we say it to the other person, it sparks a conversation that makes us really question…maybe our motives, our intentions, our problems, possible solutions, our feelings, or how we got to this point in our lives. 

If I tried to look back and remember the first time I had a conversation that shook me to my core, I don’t think I could pinpoint it. However, I can think of a couple times when I’ve had conversations that changed everything. Or that could have. So what am I here to say. What am I really getting at? I’m starting to feel like I might need to go back and delete this and just start the post over. But I think I feel like there’s something that’s trying to be said here. 

News flash:

None of it matters. And it all matters—at the same time. Everything is important. No conversation, no words are meaningless because they all point back to our need to communicate with others and to be in relationship with other people. And that is how it is meant to be. We are not meant to live this life alone. That’s not what we were created for—isolation that is. God made us to be living, breathing embodiments of who He is. After all, we were created “…in His image.” By Him, for Him, and because of Him…we exist for relationships. With God, and with each other. Otherwise, He would have only made one. 

So that explains why it all matters. But also—nothing does. Because, we can have all the conversations, the feelings, the thoughts, the ideas, the epiphanies in the world. If we don’t act on those sentiments—if we don’t do what we say we will or be who we want to be or live our lives based on more than just mere feelings and beliefs but on the actual reality of our lives…than what are we doing. What is all this for? Who is it for? What are we living for? 

If we’re living for ideas, beliefs, notions, and feelings…then we may as well keep on doing what we do best—nothing. And see what comes of that. Because doing nothing is a sure fire way to ensure we never get anything done and change never happens. 

But if we’re living for something real. If we’re living for a purpose and an awareness that life is about more than mere ideas and notions. Then we might need to start making intentional efforts in our lives. Because the key to change is action. And if we are living our lives in action rather than on autopilot, it seems like there’s going to be a much better chance that something will happen—anything. 

There’s a lot of things I’m scared of in this life, and everything brings challenges. But the possibility of anything different is much more encouraging than the promise of nothing more than the same old thing. 

A wise English teacher once said, “If you always do what you always did, then you’ll always get what you always got.” 

That kind of nothing is scarier than anything and everything. Isn’t it? 

Setting Intentions

 So here it is. December 31st, 2023. 2:29am to be exact. 

I lie here awake wondering what I’m going to write about today. Not enough I want to say it seems and not enough inspiration to write a song. Just more midnight thoughts I guess…

I know when it comes to a new year, people like to set resolutions about their jobs, their diets, exercising, relationships, plans for the future etc. etc. Personally, I’ve found that if I’ve ever even taken the time to actually do that, it never really goes anywhere—so I usually don’t. Those well-meant intentions from January 1 usually tend to dwindle into oblivion by February or March. By December of the end of the year, we end up defeated over the lack of progress made throughout a year where we put our best-laid plans on the table. 

All that said, when I saw a post on Facebook from the Suicide Prevention Association (or one similar), about how it’s essentially better to set intentions for each day and take the days as they come and have grace for yourself each day than to make a resolution for the year that you know you probably won’t keep, I thought that was kind of cool. It really stuck out to me as a therapist I guess, but also as a human. Just like—what if instead of saying “I want  to lose weight” or “I want to be a better parent” or “I want to get a better job,” what if we just simply set our intentions at the beginning of each day. It could be through a spiritual act like prayer (which makes sense to me—starting my day off by talking to God). Or for my non-Christian/non-spiritual friends, it could be simply saying “I’m going to try my best today.” It could be saying to yourself, “I’m going to be honest with myself today.” “I’m going to love hard today.” “I’m going to treat myself with respect today.” Whatever it is you need to tell yourself to encourage yourself to start the day off right—that statement or affirmation or intention (whatever you choose to call it) could actually be the catalyst for starting our days off on the right foot. It could even give us the encouragement needed to remember those resolutions that we made at the beginning of the year or the ones we thought about making. Yet, instead of looking back at our year in December and saying “man I can’t believe I didn’t meet my goal or do the thing,” we can say, “wow, every day I woke up and tried.” “Every day I prepared for what was to come in the best way I knew how at the time, and this year, I’ve made progress.” 

It may seem simple. Or maybe even stupid. But that’s the thought that comes to mind when I start to write tonight. So I just thought that might be something I could share with others. 

Don’t set the bar so high that you can never attain it or that you will be kicking yourself when you don’t achieve those goals. Just take small steps—affirm to yourself each day to make it a good one as far it depends on you. And take each day as it comes—day by day, and step by step. That’s a motto I’ve learned to live by in the last few years. And a lesson I realize I need to share with others. A simple reminder—but an important one. 

Happy new year. 

Midnight Thoughts

 “You can do hard things.” 

“You are not responsible for other people’s behaviors.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

“From now until dead, is this how you want to live?”

These are statements some people in my life have made to me, and it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around them even though they are all fully valid statements. 

My life the last, say, 10-11 years has not been a cake walk. It’s definitely not been terrible, all bad, or miserable. I think those would be overstating it for sure. There’s always someone who has it worse, and honestly, there’s been a lot of good in this passage of time as well so I have to reasonably acknowledge that. 

I would like to briefly cover the highs and lows of my life in this season, and I feel it’s appropriate to list them in vague specifics. Some might feel that I’m over sharing but you know, I don’t care a whole lot what other people think these days, especially those who I’m not close to, and as far as I know, there’s probably not too many people close to me reading this blog so here goes. I also want to point out that this blog is more for me than anyone else. I think of it as my under-wraps, not private, but not very public journal. So if you can wrap your head around that, then good luck. 

I’ll start with the highs because it’s always good to keep positive frameworks on the forefront. 

Highs: 

Made a lot of friends early in college 

Had a lot of good times throughout college 

Dodged a few bullets in college

Learned a lot about doing hard things from leading a campus ministry in college 

Had hard conversations in college

Opened my eyes to reality in college

Got a car with scholarship money 

Met people who were willing to go out on a limb for me in college 

Enjoyed working at Kohl’s

Got my first job in my “field” in college 

Had a lot of mountaintop experiences in college 

Rededicated my life to Christ in college

Met people who challenged me in college 

Met people who looked out for me in college 

Had an amazing Christian counselor in college 

Had my college paid for and more by scholarships 

Got another car with scholarship money 

Graduated college in 7 semesters 

Got a job right out of college 

Made a lifelong friend in college 

Got married 

Got back in church

Came back to Christ—again 

Got a house 

Had a long-term job 

Got a job that I loved 

Had a baby 

Finished grad school despite—everything 

Started listening to a lot of positive music 

Experienced the joys of new parenthood 

Learned a lot about parenting

Learned a lot about marriage 

Had adult friends who truly cared for me 

Found a church I felt at home at

Got into biblical counseling 

Lost weight 

Stopped trying to make everyone happy 

Stopped caring what other people think 

Stayed alive despite 

Fell in love 

Got another job that I loved that was an even better fit 

Got a cool car I liked 

Reconnected with an old friend 

Began my journey as a therapist 

Got my own office 

Experiences the joys of building positive rapport and connections with clients 

Overcame a whole lot of obstacles and mental health issues 

Got a lot of questions answered 

Conquered some anxiety 

Found a good doctor 

Found a great new therapist 

Built connection with my parents 

Found another lifelong friend 

Enjoyed holidays and seasons with my sweet baby/toddler

Watched that child begin to grow up 

Passed my exam for my LMHC-A

Learned a lot about therapy 

Grew up 

Restarted my blog 

Had a lot of generally fun times in my adult years 

Went to Florida 4 times. Visited Colorado once 

Enjoyed life for what it was 

Was a part of a church mom group and some Bible studies 

Made a couple new momma friends 

Lows: 

Developed a severe mental illness 

Dealt with a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues

Dealt with significant weight gain

Dealt with side effects of meds like nausea and vomiting

Developed PCOS

Dealt with about 9 hospitalizations in 9 years.

Missed two semesters of college 

Lost friends 

Wrecked a car 

Got a phone smashed to smithereens

Quit a job after a month 

Made bad impressions 

Felt confused a lot 

Felt a lack of confidence a lot

Felt lonely a lot 

Had some failed dates 

Made a lot of mistakes 

Stopped writing songs for awhile 

Lost my inspiration 

Struggled a lot 

Might have married the wrong person 

Got abused 

Got talked about 

Felt misunderstood 

 Unplanned pregnancy 

Was very depressed 

Had an emotional affair

Had to admit my faults and wrongdoing 

Realized I had been abused 

Had to say goodbye to someone I loved  

Dealt with postpartum depression and psychosis 

Got hospitalized after I found out I was pregnant 

Got hospitalized after my baby was born 

Felt suicidal for 2 months 

Heard gun shots in my head for 3-4 weeks all day long 

Wanted to die

Thought I was going to die 

Couldn’t find a school counseling job 

Got turned down from some jobs I really wanted 

Had to give birth - and yeah it was painful in more ways than one at the time 

Had to watch my baby cry a lot 

Had to watch my baby get sick sometimes 

Didn’t want my baby for a time period 

Dealt with staying up most of the night a lot for a couple months while my baby was learning to sleep through the night 

Gained back all the weight I lost and more 

Dealt with self-image issues

Dealt with imposter syndrome at work 

Dealt with a continuously struggling marriage

Felt sad a lot even if I was happy a lot too 

Drama at work 

People sometimes didn’t like me 

Afraid of losing people I loved 

Lost my grandma

Lost someone I deeply loved 

My mom got diagnosed with a kind of terminal-type illness 

Watched my baby get hurt sometimes 

Worked too hard at work 

Had to go back to school for more classes to get the job I didn’t know I wanted 

Got in more student loan debt 

Dealt with separate finances causing some money issues 

Dealt with brother and his family living very far away 

Wished my life could be different 

Worried about my marriage failing 

Experienced a global pandemic 

And through it all, I have learned…a lot about myself, about others, about the world, about God. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I think and braver than I knew I could be. I learned that God chases after me—always— and carries me through all of life’s hardships. I learned that I can do hard things, I learned that some people really do care, and that some people believe I deserve happiness even if I don’t. Ultimately I learned that my opinion, but especially God’s opinion is much more important than any other human’s opinion ever could be. I learned to move on, trust, and let go. I learned that there is still music in me and inspiration in the world. 

All I know is, my story is not over and —I can do hard things.— I don’t know exactly what is next for me but I do know that God has always made sure I was taken care of and has guided me through the storms of life. He has made a way for me when there didn’t seem to be a way. I don’t know where this journey will take me but I’m willing to follow Christ down the road even if it’s a long, lonely road. I don’t hope for that but I know things don’t always turn out as planned. I definitely have some positive people in my corner. I believe God will continue to place these people in my life for a reason, so I’m not too worried about the outcome though I’m definitely curious. 

I just pray for the day when all the wrongs in my life and even in the world will be rectified. I pray for a chance at a life even greater than this. I also pray God can remind me to be content with the life I have. 

I guess I could go on and on but I’ll end with this: 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

A very hard prayer to pray and a difficult, lifelong lesson to learn. 

Love and grace, 

Kayla P 

Abandoned

You’ve found a home. 

There’s Someone there.

He sees your tears and

Gives you hope. 

You’re not abandoned anymore—

Standing in the rain.

God came to Earth to cease your

pain.*

An except from a song I wrote in high school**