The End of Something

So, back in April, something almost ended and something new almost started. But I ended the thing that could have started before it did and started the thing that might’ve ended back up again. Tell me if you can make sense of that!

All I know now is how I feel which even though I’m feeling okay the last two days and I’ve been spending time with friends—at night I just feel lonely. And I just wish I could talk to my best friend again. Shout out to you Gravity—let me know if you saw this. I suppose you never will.

The thing is. I love my best friend—so much, with all of my soul. We were very close for several years, then drifted for about a decade, and last year we picked up right where we left off. And then it ended because it had to. It was best for everyone. 

But now I just miss my best friend and I wish we could talk again. I’m sitting here right now thinking about what a great time this would be to talk to my best friend. This is the only best friend I’ve had in a long time, one of the longest running friendships I’ve had (if you include our 10 year gap lol).

I’ve never loved anyone more than I love this person. Unfortunately, our friendship is just not in the cards anymore. Life is funny that way. Sometimes the things we want the most are the worst things for us. I hate that.

So what do I do? I could try to cry, but I don’t know if I have any tears to cry though they’re in my heart. 

I could try to forget—but I know I’ll never forget.

I could try to move on—make better friends and get to know new people. Find someone I love and trust even more. But that’s unlikely.

Or I can talk to my best friend—but I know that would end badly. 

So that leaves me with writing this blog post to get it off my chest, and trusting God with the outcome—trusting God with my future. 

I love and hate that because I love trusting God, but I hate that the product of that trust is that I’m letting go of control. I always wish I could decide the outcome of every situation. One thing I know is that God knows better, and I have to trust Him with my life since He’s the One who gave me life. 

Life is sad, and life is beautiful—all at the same time. I think I feel the ups and downs of life a little more than most due to my condition. But the fact is, we all have them and we all feel them. The best we can do is make the best of them the best way we know how. 

That being said, I’m going to pray a prayer tonight that I mean with all my heart.

Take me Lord and do what You will in my life. I know You love me, and I don’t know where You’re taking me but I trust You. I love You and I only want what You want for me. Help me to want that too. And help me feel Your presence with me all the time, especially in the dark times. In the quiet, in the still, in the waiting, and in my pain, be the light I need. Be my hope, my only hope and show me how to love You and how to love others better than I love myself. I need You God. You are my ever-present help in time of need. I’m trusting You with my heart and my future. The heart wants what the heart wants, but I want You more than I want my way. Thank you Lord for loving me better than I deserve.