Midnight Thoughts

 “You can do hard things.” 

“You are not responsible for other people’s behaviors.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

“From now until dead, is this how you want to live?”

These are statements some people in my life have made to me, and it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around them even though they are all fully valid statements. 

My life the last, say, 10-11 years has not been a cake walk. It’s definitely not been terrible, all bad, or miserable. I think those would be overstating it for sure. There’s always someone who has it worse, and honestly, there’s been a lot of good in this passage of time as well so I have to reasonably acknowledge that. 

I would like to briefly cover the highs and lows of my life in this season, and I feel it’s appropriate to list them in vague specifics. Some might feel that I’m over sharing but you know, I don’t care a whole lot what other people think these days, especially those who I’m not close to, and as far as I know, there’s probably not too many people close to me reading this blog so here goes. I also want to point out that this blog is more for me than anyone else. I think of it as my under-wraps, not private, but not very public journal. So if you can wrap your head around that, then good luck. 

I’ll start with the highs because it’s always good to keep positive frameworks on the forefront. 

Highs: 

Made a lot of friends early in college 

Had a lot of good times throughout college 

Dodged a few bullets in college

Learned a lot about doing hard things from leading a campus ministry in college 

Had hard conversations in college

Opened my eyes to reality in college

Got a car with scholarship money 

Met people who were willing to go out on a limb for me in college 

Enjoyed working at Kohl’s

Got my first job in my “field” in college 

Had a lot of mountaintop experiences in college 

Rededicated my life to Christ in college

Met people who challenged me in college 

Met people who looked out for me in college 

Had an amazing Christian counselor in college 

Had my college paid for and more by scholarships 

Got another car with scholarship money 

Graduated college in 7 semesters 

Got a job right out of college 

Made a lifelong friend in college 

Got married 

Got back in church

Came back to Christ—again 

Got a house 

Had a long-term job 

Got a job that I loved 

Had a baby 

Finished grad school despite—everything 

Started listening to a lot of positive music 

Experienced the joys of new parenthood 

Learned a lot about parenting

Learned a lot about marriage 

Had adult friends who truly cared for me 

Found a church I felt at home at

Got into biblical counseling 

Lost weight 

Stopped trying to make everyone happy 

Stopped caring what other people think 

Stayed alive despite 

Fell in love 

Got another job that I loved that was an even better fit 

Got a cool car I liked 

Reconnected with an old friend 

Began my journey as a therapist 

Got my own office 

Experiences the joys of building positive rapport and connections with clients 

Overcame a whole lot of obstacles and mental health issues 

Got a lot of questions answered 

Conquered some anxiety 

Found a good doctor 

Found a great new therapist 

Built connection with my parents 

Found another lifelong friend 

Enjoyed holidays and seasons with my sweet baby/toddler

Watched that child begin to grow up 

Passed my exam for my LMHC-A

Learned a lot about therapy 

Grew up 

Restarted my blog 

Had a lot of generally fun times in my adult years 

Went to Florida 4 times. Visited Colorado once 

Enjoyed life for what it was 

Was a part of a church mom group and some Bible studies 

Made a couple new momma friends 

Lows: 

Developed a severe mental illness 

Dealt with a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues

Dealt with significant weight gain

Dealt with side effects of meds like nausea and vomiting

Developed PCOS

Dealt with about 9 hospitalizations in 9 years.

Missed two semesters of college 

Lost friends 

Wrecked a car 

Got a phone smashed to smithereens

Quit a job after a month 

Made bad impressions 

Felt confused a lot 

Felt a lack of confidence a lot

Felt lonely a lot 

Had some failed dates 

Made a lot of mistakes 

Stopped writing songs for awhile 

Lost my inspiration 

Struggled a lot 

Might have married the wrong person 

Got abused 

Got talked about 

Felt misunderstood 

 Unplanned pregnancy 

Was very depressed 

Had an emotional affair

Had to admit my faults and wrongdoing 

Realized I had been abused 

Had to say goodbye to someone I loved  

Dealt with postpartum depression and psychosis 

Got hospitalized after I found out I was pregnant 

Got hospitalized after my baby was born 

Felt suicidal for 2 months 

Heard gun shots in my head for 3-4 weeks all day long 

Wanted to die

Thought I was going to die 

Couldn’t find a school counseling job 

Got turned down from some jobs I really wanted 

Had to give birth - and yeah it was painful in more ways than one at the time 

Had to watch my baby cry a lot 

Had to watch my baby get sick sometimes 

Didn’t want my baby for a time period 

Dealt with staying up most of the night a lot for a couple months while my baby was learning to sleep through the night 

Gained back all the weight I lost and more 

Dealt with self-image issues

Dealt with imposter syndrome at work 

Dealt with a continuously struggling marriage

Felt sad a lot even if I was happy a lot too 

Drama at work 

People sometimes didn’t like me 

Afraid of losing people I loved 

Lost my grandma

Lost someone I deeply loved 

My mom got diagnosed with a kind of terminal-type illness 

Watched my baby get hurt sometimes 

Worked too hard at work 

Had to go back to school for more classes to get the job I didn’t know I wanted 

Got in more student loan debt 

Dealt with separate finances causing some money issues 

Dealt with brother and his family living very far away 

Wished my life could be different 

Worried about my marriage failing 

Experienced a global pandemic 

And through it all, I have learned…a lot about myself, about others, about the world, about God. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I think and braver than I knew I could be. I learned that God chases after me—always— and carries me through all of life’s hardships. I learned that I can do hard things, I learned that some people really do care, and that some people believe I deserve happiness even if I don’t. Ultimately I learned that my opinion, but especially God’s opinion is much more important than any other human’s opinion ever could be. I learned to move on, trust, and let go. I learned that there is still music in me and inspiration in the world. 

All I know is, my story is not over and —I can do hard things.— I don’t know exactly what is next for me but I do know that God has always made sure I was taken care of and has guided me through the storms of life. He has made a way for me when there didn’t seem to be a way. I don’t know where this journey will take me but I’m willing to follow Christ down the road even if it’s a long, lonely road. I don’t hope for that but I know things don’t always turn out as planned. I definitely have some positive people in my corner. I believe God will continue to place these people in my life for a reason, so I’m not too worried about the outcome though I’m definitely curious. 

I just pray for the day when all the wrongs in my life and even in the world will be rectified. I pray for a chance at a life even greater than this. I also pray God can remind me to be content with the life I have. 

I guess I could go on and on but I’ll end with this: 

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

A very hard prayer to pray and a difficult, lifelong lesson to learn. 

Love and grace, 

Kayla P